Letting go.

You blame everyone, anyone, but the person who's at fault. You. You run and hide and cower because you simply cannot admit that you are very aware and very in control of everything that happens to you. You flail and fight and scream until to chokes its way down your throat and you are left with the very cold realization that you have nothing left. And then you float away like the nothing you've become and you find something, anything, to make you feel somewhat real and somewhat aware. Rinse and repeat. 

I just want to say, fuck you. And thank you. You have been my best friend and my worst enemy. You have been everything and nothing. You have showed me a range of emotion in myself that I never would have known, had I not known you. I have lied and cheated and stolen. I have head fucked all but one of the people I care about, and in the end I am infinitely better than you simply because I know what a piece of shit I once was. And while I wallow in self pity, knowing I deserve it, you struggle to break free.

Someone once told me that I was like cancer, and I pass that torch to you now. You are a disease. You are an addiction. You push people towards the limits and reel them back in because they feel sorry for you. You're a charity case and if you think I'm the only one that has spoken ill of you, you are sadly mistaken.

I hope you move to BC and I hope you feel no difference in your life and self. You don't deserve it.

So, Ryley, fuck you, and thank you. I'm done.

Fuck me.

My mom is a crazy.

I don't get her at all. Usually we'll be good for a while and then she'll suddenly be all "Oh shit! I haven't yelled at Simone for at least a week now!" and then she'll find something stupid and insignificant to go off at me for. Like not doing HER dishes. Yep. Hers. Which is ironic and funny in my eyes because not even a week ago, there was a sink full of dishes and my mom asked me to do them. Not a big deal. But she'd also asked me to clean my room, and my sister was sitting on the couch doing fuck all... The same thing she'd been doing all week since she was off of school. I asked if Alisha could do it since she hasn't done anything all week, and I've been working full time. My mom goes off about not using work as an excuse to not do the dishes and how we should all do our own dishes anyways. I agree. Alisha does the dishes. Case closed.

Only then my mom makes a big mess in the kitchen right before she goes out (This is Saturday) and askes me to wash all the dishes. I'm fine with that. I wash 'em. Sunday night my mom makes her usual Sunday dinner, and makes another huge fucking mess. I'm talking dishes all over the kitchen. I come home at about 7 to my mom and Alisha sitting upstairs with this huge mess in the kitchen. My mom calls down something like "Can you do the dishes?" to which I was pretty much like... Fuck that. So I go to work Monday. My mom calls me while I'm at work and starts to yell at me about the dishes and this and that. I was with a new cashier so I was like "Mom. wtf. I'll call you back." I continue to be busy throughout the night, only to get a call from my mom that pretty much went like "Do the damn dishes or else Britta-" and that's where I hung up, 'cause I already knew where that was going.

My lovely and childish mother decides that she needs to call Brittany and inform her that she's not allowed over until I "smarten up". What I want to know is what I did that was stupid to begin with? I'm sorry that you are fucking lazy and like to treat me like a child? Do I say "Well. Fuck this. You better get the laundry done or else Kelly isn't allowed over." Nope. 'cause I'm not immature. I act immature. I sometimes act completely stupid, but when it comes down to it I have changed into a more mature and responsible person.

I want to move out. It's weird because I had this talk with my sister, and I was like "If I move out, it has nothing to do with you. You have my number and I have yours." and she was like "But if you move out, you and mom will never talk again." I thought it was weird that it's that obvious. It's true. If I move out, I don't think I'll ever talk to her again. She brings me down in every possible way. The only reason I keep contact is because I feel bad.  It's so fucked up.

Everything in my life makes me happy except her. I'm happy with my relationship and where it's going. It's secure and steady and so completely right. I'm happy with my job. Fixing cash is a challenge. I don't know what I'm doing but I'm slowly starting to see some differences. I'm happy with my friends. I wish I saw them more often but they're honestly such an amazing group of people. I'm happy with my car and I'm content with myself. I have enough self esteem and self confidence to look people in the eye and not stare at my feet while I'm walking. I don't worry what people think of me. I can be the first one to walk into a crowded house.

I can honestly say that I am so much better than I was before, and I have so many people to thank for that.  I actually feel that my maturity matches my age for once, and that is such an odd feeling. I'm finally growing into my own skin, but I can't seem to shake the guilt I feel whenever I'm around my mom. It's like a weight that I don't want to deal with. She's because this sad and defeated person, she only has negative thoughts and views. It's horrible. She tells her life story to complete strangers and expects them to care about her and her feelings. No one wants to be around someone who is constantly talking about depressing things and the latest drama in their life, and that's why I think people she could have been friends with have turned from her. =/

I love life. I wish I could help her. I don't know how and I'm starting to think it'd be easier to walk away...

New Years.

Oh boy. What a night, I tell you. It was actually hella interesting (the parts I can remember, anyways). There were quite a few people I knew, and quite a few I didn't. The girl from last New years was there. "Do you promise to spread peace, love and happiness through 2007?" She wasn't doing that this year though, but asked me if I remembered and when I told her I did, she asked if I was one of the many people who wanted to hit her. I said no, but secretly I had wanted to. Oops. I lied. lol. Chris was there too. He's the guy that went to Naomi's with us that one time. We tried to pierce each of his nipples like a million times. He's quite the champ.

So I was boozing it up 'cause I don't like peoplw when I'm sober, but apparently love them when I'm drunk. Me and Brittany went and played some fooseball. I was winning but then Dave came down and was on Brittany's team, and I was already drinking so then I was loosing. The the final point, James joined my team. We still lost though. Depressing.

May I just say, Brennan is insane at Guitar Hero. Him and this other guy faced off on Extreme mode and it was intense. I could never do that at all. I thought he was gonna lose but at the end he completely tore it up and pwned the other guy. I was all impressed.

You know what else was impressive. When Brennan kissed Ryley. I've been waiting years to see that. lol. It was sexy. Then he all turned to Brittany and was like "That's to show I'm okay with you guys." He's so cute. lol. He wiped the ceiling for me after I sprayed champenge all over it. Yay for drunken stupidity, eh? Me and Chris also dumped champagne over our heads and I apparently went into the bathroom and drenched my head with water, not that I remember doing that at all. But I guess it worked out 'cause the next day I woke up without sticky hair. =]

There's more but I don't really feel like going over all of it. I'm just glad I got to start this year off fresh, kissing my beautiful girlfriend. <3

On another note, work is kinda gay. I keep working 9 - 10 hour days with only a half hour break. Not my idea of fun but the cashiers and the cash areas have become so sloppy that it's kinda needed. Most of them aren't trained so they keep screwing up the simpilest things, which sucks 'cause it isn't really their fault. I have to make a package of all the important stuff in the cash resource handbook and schedual a meeting that is completely mandatory. It's pretty intense. And sucks 'cause I'm not big on the whole public speaking thingy. So we'll see how it goes.

12/19/07

"I could fly forever with the wings you have loaned me."

I feel like writing yet again, though I have no idea what I want to write or where to begin. Often stray thoughts will flutter through my mind but before I can grasp them... Away they go. It's an odd and seemingly never ending cycle. Maybe I'll start writing these thoughts down and they'll turn into something both pleasing and satisfying in the end.

Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think I've ever been as happy as I am right now. With her. She is amazing. And she'll probably read this and smile, even though it's just a repeat of all the things I've said and written to her before... That's fine. I love her smile. I love the way she laughs and the way her eyes sparkle when she first wakes up. I love the way she's let me wrap my arms around her and smother her in love, simply because she knows that's who and what I am. I like the way we'll do something, or go somewhere, and I can suddenly see five years down the road and her hand in mine. I love her. Completely and utterly love her, and I can see it reflected in her eyes. I have faith in us, and I've never really had faith in anything or one. The first time I met her, I wanted to know her. Inside out and upside down, and I could never figure out why. Then my world fell apart and she helped me pick up the pieces and put them back in place, and I fell harder than ever. Was it love at first sight? Maybe. Unrealized, waiting to be found. I just knew she was different, and now I know why.

I didn't mean for this to turn out as some rambling of my undying love, but I'm not terriby sad that it turned out as such. I feel better and that nagging something has finally eased.

So fuck Telus and fuck Xbox Live.

I feel very babbley and alone. I feel like talking to someone about something very deep and meaningful, and instead I am sitting on my computer, typing away because I don't really have anyone to have deep and meaningful conversations with. That's not counting Brittany, because she is at home reading, and you can't have a serious conversation with someone via text. It just doesn't work. She seems distant anyways. I can't figure out why.

I'm definately enjoying my book. It's a rather good time. I'm not sure I like the romance between the characters though. It's too cliche and quick, which generally makes me want to write some sort of story where they end up together, or one character isn't interested in the other. Something tragic. I'm in a tragic sort of mood at the moment, possibly because I couldn't get my xbox set up. I'm pretty annoyed with that, to be honest. I wish Telus wasn't such a piece of shit. I think I want shaw. It's much easier. Plug it in and turn it on, and you're good to go.

That sounded kinda sexual.

I feel lost and it's unsettling.

Maybe sleep will help.

'night. <3